So you want to be a wine snob. Excellent. Step this way. Mind the spittoon. Over here, on the shelf marked "Exotic Fetish Objects" we have Screwpull corkscrews in three sizes, duck decanters, a tastevin, pouring funnels, hygrothermometer and - for consenting adults - a scary rack and pinion contraption with a candle attached called a wine cradle.

Under "Magazines and Books" there's the soft stuff for your average Joe or Joan Paluka wine snob: Wine Spectator, Divine, Decanter, Winestate, Wine magazine - a few with sealed sections so you can't ogle that Burgundy vintage chart until you've paid the man.

For the more hardcore tasting notes you'll need to go mail-order for Robert Parker's Wine Advocate, or if you like your grape juice blended with a little belly-piercing, into cyber-space with Wine X ("wine, food and an intelligent slice of vice").

Er, excuse me? You'd just like to know what wine to drink with take-out pizza? Dude, I think we need to start at the beginning.

Log on to cyber space

Darryl Roberts's Wine X (http://www.winexmagazine.com) on-line magazine divides opinion. Some curmudgeons (usually over the age of 40) think it's crass, other say it's a breath of fresh attitude. The truth lies somewhere between.

Pitched to wine brats in the (mainly US) 24-35 age market, it's studiedly cool and irreverent. The second issue was an Australian/New Zealand special and there were some good, if lightweight articles, on owning a bar, wine and rock n' roll.

Still, you'll love the wine reviews. Where else could you read a red wine described as "Like a cross-dressing schoolmaster, the crushing grip and sweet hot fruit are out of balance"? In paper copy, also.